I never really understood why people say that they’re “homesick.”  

Perhaps its because my physical “home” is one place where I can’t stand being.  How am I expected to long for a place where I am subjected to constant degradation and under scrutiny all the time?  

Mommy & Daddy,
I don’t plan on ever coming back after I leave.  The “perfect family” that you make us out to be in front of every one else sickens me.  You’re afraid that people will gossip about our family.  You’re afraid to be looked down upon.  

As a result, I must be the perfect daughter.  Honestly, I don’t give a f*ck about what university I attend so stop showcasing my ridiculously overpriced school to your friends and our extended family.  NEW FLASH: They don’t care. There’s nothing to brag about unless I was the top of my class, which is impossible since I’m only average.  

And guess what?  The world is a bigger place than just Versai, than New Orleans even.  I’m saddened by the fact that my BOSS at LSUHSC is more interested in my personal life than you are.  He’s genuinely proud of my lab work and asks about my extracurricular activities with AASIA and the like.  The only thing you care about is that I’m home early every damn night.  

Forget this HELL “HOME” or whatever it is.  Because this place is not the “home” in books and movies.  Katie and Kathleen will be the sole connections I have with this immediate family once I leave for good.  When people ask about my whereabouts in the future, lie to them.  Tell them that I’ve gotten a great job; that I’m so financially stable that I send money back to you every so often as a filial daughter should.  Lie.  I dare you.  

[I understand that I’m “spoiled” compared to others my age.  I know that not everyone has their parents paying the main bills.  I get that.  I just wish that the only reason I haven’t moved out yet is lack of money to do so.  I wish that there was a real reason for me to stay at “home.”  I wish I had a “home” to miss when I leave.]

you deserve better than me.

... of thoughts.

this post probably wont make any sense to anyone but me. xanga, you have been forewarned.

TO:  y o u . 

as time passes, i feel the build up of emotions. emotions that i've only felt a few times before. emotions that i lost each time as i fell into despair. emotions that took over my life and then left me empty.

am i in love with you? or am i in "like" with you? i can't even tell anymore... do you think about me as many times as i think about you? do you miss me when we don't talk? life, as always, is passing me by while i sit here and think about useless things.  

why the hell am i on xanga and tumblr at 2:30am? cause i can't fucking sleep thinking about you.  even though you will never see this, i'll still write it down. to get it out of my head. perhaps it'll make more sense as i attempt to write coherent sentences. or maybe not. forget sentences. 

confusion. there's nothing but confusion and fear in my mind. im 'scared to tell you the truth. yet i expect the truth from you. i know its not fair. i know we cant be together. theres too many things in the way atm. one way or another we'll end up hurting each other. either now or later. 

when did you suddenly matter so much? why do i find myself attempting to look decent when i know we'll meet? how come? i can't turn back time, though i wish i could. wrong place? more like wrong time? i just don't know anymore... about anything.

i do imagine what it would be like. to be with you. i imagine what everyone would say. having fun and being happy. i try not to think about the bad stuff that's bound to happen in relationships... but i do. all the time. i don't think i can handle hurting you. not you. it wouldn't be fair.

if i have to, i'll push thoughts of us together out of my mind. defense mechanism? of course. i can't even tell if i'm just being selfish and wanting to protect myself now rather than feel heartache later. maybe that's what's really going on and i just don't know it. maybe. 

i think and i ramble. its what i do. when i over think and over analyze things, i make stuff complicated. life's got too many options. i don't want to make the wrong choice. but of course that's how i'm supposed to learn. 

i never thought that i'd actually cry over you. twice in one night already... today. damn. maybe i fell too fast and too hard. or is it too obvious? maybe it's time to back off? 

i never thought that i'd be waiting for your text message. or the stupid instant message from aim. and from you of all people. why you? this shit is ridiculous. i think i drive myself crazy. perhaps i need to talk to a shrink. just to make sure i'm actually sane. 

i'm tired of thinking. i'm tired of feeling. so what do i do now? where to go from here? unanswered questions. too many choices. all with consequences that i'm too scared to face.

NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE.